White House Gambles on Social Security Fix

by Matthew Reiss


The White House today released its list of preferred mutual fund products for social security investment accounts. Taxpayers under 55 who wish to divert up to two thirds of their federal payroll deductions to market accounts are invited to assign such sums by checking a box on their tax returns. Participating firms include both major investment houses and some surprising returnees to the financial game.

Storefront investment firms like Fidelity, Schwab, Merrill Lynch, etc. are expected to command the bulk of social security dollars as a consequence of their promotional savvy. The major firms’ government liaisons convinced campaign officials to make access to the nation’s retirement accounts a Bush Administration priority following a meeting in a 33rd Street parking garage during the Republican National Convention.

While fiscal integrity is central to the administration’s choices, the White House has invited proven high tech fund managers, experts in offshore tax havens and emerging market managers to participate as well. “We’ll be watching them very carefully,” said Treasury Secretary Snow.

The high tech sector will be anchored by Tyclone, LLP, (successor company to Tyco, LLP), World Con, (successor to World Com), and Con Enron--the merger of Enron and a group of low-country grifters. The administration included these bankrupt firms’ successors not merely for their recent growth histories, according to officials, but because ongoing federal hearings will save on exorbitant court filing fees for elderly pensioners who wish to recover benefits during their golden years.

Con Enron will offer investors access to once-exclusive offshore partnerships, Chewco, Osprey and LJM Cayman; proven tax havens, yet to be pierced by federal prosecutorial appointees on loan from Enron’s Houston headquarters.

Those who eschew the large investment houses, with their high overhead costs and expensive promotional budgets, in favor of lower cost pension strategies, should consider the newly emerging southern market—emerging mostly through parole or early release programs. Proponents of the Sunshine State investment vehicles have November referenda in Dade and Broward Counties to thank for the formation of such funds.

Miami’s First Flamingo Fund has been heralded by Wall Street as a major event, while the class of adjacent Broward County’s new financial elite, Hoffa Freres, portends solid returns. Another Sun Belt operator whose quarterly skim has outperformed even its most dubious SEC disclosures is Silverado Hotel & Casino Fund, a subsidiary of Last Resorts International. Like the others, Silverado offers a Craps Fund and Roulette Portfolio, and a reputation for personal attention from their licensed investment croupiers. New Orleans-based Salon Rouge Partners, is making market in Chemin du Ferre, (the French Baccarat Fund), while Loan Star Enterprises is sole internet provider of the aggressive Texas Holdem Ranch & Prison Mortgage Fund.

The president explained that by eliminating controls that restrict competition with financial products currently offered only on Indian reservations, America’s future elderly will be “well taken care of.”

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© Matthew Reiss, 2005