Monday, March 21, 2005

Greenspan Throws Weight Behind Buck-Burning Program

by Kurt Opprecht

Federal Reserve Chairman and dark horse candidate to succeed Pope John-Paul II, Alan Greenspan, has reportedly given his approval to a long-awaited White House plan for boosting the US Dollar.

The proposal, which Oval Office staff have dubbed “Prairie Fire,” provides tax credits for Americans who destroy American currency. According to the classic laws of supply and demand, for each dollar destroyed by burning or “mulching,” all remaining dollars become incrementally more valuable. Tentative benefit limits are set at $1,000 per household, or $500 per native-born American. To be eligible for the income tax credits, documentation of the destruction would be required and extra tax credits would be offered to “Small Businesses” in red states who contract to shred and verify, much like Halliburton.

The once-vaunted American dollar has taken a beating since January 2002, falling more than 50% vis-à-vis the Euro, due to the current Administration’s massive trade and budget deficits. Fortunately for President Bush and the businesses who benefit from the Republican party’s tax-cut mantra, China and Japan continue to fund the US government’s borrowing, with their purchase of US Treasury Bills, despite the bills’ shrinking yields.

“We’ve been eating Chinese take-out for too long, and now we’re getting hungry again,” Bush said in a mock news conference Friday. “This is a way that every American can play a part in supporting the dollar and reducing the size of liberal spending...and support Freedom.”

In a surprising second prong to the attack, the President is floating a trial balloon to link the dollar to the South African Rand. Early plans for an innovative third prong, in which President Bush revived his pledge to inhabit Mars and create a dollar-only free trade zone where visitors to the Red Planet could shop duty-free, have been scrapped, White House sources are quick to interject.

Legitimate news sources are still awaiting confirmation of “Operation Prairie Fire,” but White House softballer and gay porn poster-boy Jammes Guckert, aka Jeff Gannon, in his reprised capacity as gun-for-hire, has confirmed for NY Gang the program’s general outline.

© Kurt Opprecht, 2005

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